Diary of a Mad Exorcist
by ZDrive
Summary: "Dear Diary, Today at the Black Order is absolute chaos. It seems to be even crazier than last week. Like when Kanda had to dress up as Lenalee and go out with Lavi, Allen got a doppelgänger, and Lavi turned into a rabbit." That's right folks, welcome to the secret Diary of a Mad Exorcist...who are they? No clue. Figure it out, duckies. I DARE you. (Updated once every 2-3 weeks)
1. Prolouge

**Diary of a Mad Exorcist**

**READ PROLOUGE THOROUGHLY PLEASE**

**Category: D. Gray-Man**

**Rating: T**

**Pairing(s): Possibly all**

**Humor/Parody**

**Summary: Fatherly Cross? Tooth-Fairy Kanda? The Invisible Lavi? Doppelgänger Allen? Wacky pairings? Drunk Lenalee? That's right folks, welcome to the secret Diary of a Mad Exorcist...who are they? No clue. Figure it out, duckies. I DARE you.**

**PROLOUGE:**

…

_**-ZDrive logged on-**_

**ZDrive:**_**Heyy, wassup, A.S.! Ready to get started?**_

**ZDrive: **_**OMG, if you add another 's' to your initials at the end it says- A.S.S.! Pfft-BWAHAHAHAHA!**_

_**-Aceofspades57 logged on-**_

**Aceofspades57:**_** And you know your name sounds kind of perverted.**_

**ZDrive:**_** Oh, buuuurn. I figured that out too late, 'cause I was going for something freaking awesome and memorable, and one day as I was updating my profile, I looked happily at my pen name and- LIGHTBUUULB! But, you know, I still think I'm a kickass writer with tough-girl power!**_

**Aceofspades57:**_** You're tough?**_

**ZDrive: **_**Is that an insult or are you genuinely asking that?**_

**Aceofspades57:**_** Hehe.**_

**ZDrive: **_**You are insulting me, aren't you?**_

**Aceofspades57: **_**LIGHTBUUULB!**_

**ZDrive: **_**Heeey, that's my liiiine!**_

**Aceofspades57: **_**Not any more.**_

**ZDrive: **_**I give up! (cue spasmodic pulling of hair.)**_

**Aceofspades57: **_**What's with the cue's?**_

**ZDrive:**_** I have no idea what you're talking about, Baka (**__**cue**__** rolling eyes).**_

**Aceofspades57:**_** Don't even try it, Z. You only learned a little bit of Japanese from D. Gray-Man. I'm the one who knows Japanese.**_

**ZDrive:**_** Oh…hush.**_

**Aceofspades57:**_** Nice come back (note the sarcasm)**_

**ZDrive: **_**Oh. I see. So you can do notes but I can't do cues. How cruel.**_

**Aceofspades57: **_**Ain't I an Angel? (**__**note**__** batting of eyelashes)**_

**ZDrive: **_**16^Rbvi7^*(*&**_

**Aceofspades57: **_**Hmm? What was that?**_

**ZDrive: **_**Uh…nothing. Oh, that reminds me! We have story to do!**_

**Aceofspades57:**_** …'nothing' reminded you of that?**_

**ZDrive:**_** Uh-Che'duh. **_

**Aceofspades57: **_**I've given up on trying to understand you.**_

**ZDrive: **_**I've given up on understanding me, too. You're not alone.**_

**Aceofspades57: **_**Joy.**_

**ZDrive:**_**Great! So…since this is the prologue, what should we start off with in the first chapter?**_

**Aceofspades57:**_** Well, with it being a diary, we should start out with a quick entry from the Mad Exorcist, and a teaser for what's coming up next in the next chapter.**_

**ZDrive:**_** Awesome. And for the teasers at the end of each chapter, it will be at least one line from one of the characters. For example, our teaser in this prologue for the first chapter will be **__**"Um…K-Kanda…either I am going crazy, or you have pink, glittery fairy wings."**_

**Aceofspades57: **_**Awesome. Oh, and should we tell our beloved readers who this 'Mad Exorcist' is?**_

**ZDrive: **_**Nope. We are going to let them review and try to figure it out, and we can add OCs, but none of the OCs will be the Mad Exorcist. And the first one to get the identity of the Mad Exorcist right and points out ALL the hints we drop to them in the chapters (1 for each chapter) will be the winner.**_

**Aceofspades57: **_**Winner? Like as in a contest? What will be their prize?**_

**ZDrive: **_**We'll give them two choices:**_

_**We will write a surprise min-story about them as a waiter/waitress in a café who will see the whole D. Gray-Man crew and end up taking their orders and serving them. And, will freak out. Understandably. **_

_**We will give you a chance to pick a number from 1-4, and the main character's name attached to the number you choose will be the main character whom you will have an interview with (we will try to keep the main character the winner gets in character as best as possible). They can ask a total of ten questions; five completely random/embarrassing/funny, two personal (ex., what's your favorite color, are you gay *snort*), and three completely of their choice. They will have to PM us to give us their questions and label them though, so if it is a guest who won and picked plan B, they may simply review and tell us their labeled questions. Also, said main characters are Allen, Kanda, Lenalee, and Lavi. The winner will not be announced until second to last chapter. **_

**Aceofspades57:**_** Awesome. Hmm, by the way, Z…you did say all pairings, right?**_

**ZDrive:**_** Yup. And you know what that, means, A.S.S…**_

**Aceofspades57: **_**Dear Lord, no.**_

**ZDrive: **_**YUUUULLLEEEEENNNN!**_

_**-Aceofspades57 logged off-**_

**ZDrive:**_** Ace…? Uh, Ace?**_

**ZDrive:**_** Oh, AAAAASSS.**_

**ZDrive: **_**Okay, fine. Be afraid of Yullen. Be afraid! Be very, very afraid!**_

**ZDrive:**_** Enjoy the next chapter, my duckies! This story is presented to you by ZDrive and Aceofspades57 (A.K.A, A.S. *snort*), on Fanfiction in D. Gray-Man. Have a nice day!Swaggin' Out, Z.**_

_**-ZDrive logged off-**_

…

…

…

_Coming up, a teaser for the next chapter:_

"_Um…K-Kanda...either I am going crazy, or you have pink, glittery wings."_

"_Do you WANT to die?"_


	2. Whack-A-Bunny and Fairy Kanda

**Diary of a Mad Exorcist**

**READ PROLOUGE THOROUGHLY PLEASE**

**Category: D. Gray-Man**

**Rating: T**

**Pairing(s): Possibly all**

**Humor/Parody**

**Summary: Fatherly Cross? Tooth-Fairy Kanda? The Invisible Lavi? Doppelgänger Allen? Wacky pairings? Drunk Lenalee? That's right folks, welcome to the secret Diary of a Mad Exorcist...who are they? No clue. Figure it out, duckies. I DARE you.**

**P.S. Updates for this story will be once every two to three weeks.**

**Chapter 1: Whack-A-Bunny, Banana Pudding, and Fairy Kanda**

…

**_Dear Diary,_**

**_-_**_I can honestly say I am very happy to have someone- or something- to write to now a days, because even though I am an exorcist and have friends, I still feel a bit lonely when I think back to the time when I was normal...well, that's not exactly true. I barely remember my 'normal life', if anyone could call it that since I came to the Black Order. I've noticed that no exorcist was completely normal before and especially after they obtained their innocence and went to walk down the road of their calling. A life they didn't even choose, because it was chosen for them, and sometimes in the cruelest ways possible. It's depressing, but true, and I will still continue to fight to the best of my abilities, but also follow my heart. _

_Anyways, onto happier thoughts, I had just come back from a mission, along with the rest of the exorcists, who had also gone on solo missions today. Of course, we went straight to the cafeteria to have some of Jerry's mouth watering food, when a strange and rather...uncomfortable situation happened, both scary and amusing, in some cases. It all started when...-_

...Lavi squinted _reeeaaal _hard at the mushy booger that had just landed on his once edible and delicious looking plate of spaghetti. He really, really hoped that it was just his imagination when it moved.

"Sowwy, guys," sniffed, Chaoji, rubbing his bright red nose which reminded Lavi of a tomato. "I got some chemicals on me a few minutes ago."

Lavi looked stricken and a little sick. "And you're not a zombie?!"

Chaoji blinked stupidly, as if actually considering the possibility that he actually _was _a zombie but didn't realize it until Lavi asked. He paused to squint at Lavi briefly, trying to sense any ravenous hunger at the sight of Lavi's bare neck. Unfortunately, all he felt was being kind of a gay pervert.

Which, you know, was odd, because he _wasn't _a gay pervert.

...

Yeaaah.

"Um...no?"

It sounded like a question.

"Tch," came a familiar scoff that just screamed 'I-am-more-surperior-than-you-so-go-die-you-pathet ic-mortal-moronic-idiots-of-sludge', and Kanda soon came into view, carrying his custom meal of cold soba as he looked at Lavi's now non-edible food with almost as much disgust and disdain he looked at Allen. Almost. "Get yourself checked by the psychopathic nurse, you bumbling idiot. The chemicals from the science department probably won't kill you, but they'll do some funky shit."

Lavi just about had a seizure. "You said funky," he giggled. Like the moron he was. In Kanda's opinion. Which probably counted and that was it in his books. And he would never think any other way, even if (_when_) the red-head proved him wrong because he had the stubbornness of a fucking huge rock in the deepest, darkest pit in the ocean, with only the tip sticking out from the mud.

Kanda whirled to smash his food- and possibly his foot- in the red haired pest's face when an all to sickeningly familiar (annoying, thought Kanda with eyebrows twitching) voice said, "Now I know it's hard, but be _nice, _Bakanda."

Kanda quickly pivoted so he could smash his food into the Usagi's face, and get a bonus point when he crushed the Moyashi's stupid face with his heel when another person (one, unfortunately, he couldn't back talk unless he wanted to be neutered with her deadly heels) decided to interrupt his future murdering war path. "Ah, the joys of living with mostly men. Kanda, don't drown Lavin in soba, Bookman will be pissed, even if he admits that he totally had it coming, and please don't hurt Allen's pretty face- I think his fan club in the female Finder's unit will be crushed, and will definitely be after your hide. Just saying."

Kanda stops reluctantly, because even though he doesn't care about all that other shit, he knew that Lenalee would not hesitate to kick his ass (literally) and make him sterile. Of course, he just _had _to dig his heel extra hard into the Usagi's toes in front of him and elbow Moyashi a little roughly when the beansprout made a move to sit beside him with his mountain of sugary shit, but that's all the bruises they could get when Lenalee Lee is present.

...for now.

"Fan club," Allen questioned, his expression a cross between curious and mortified, with a hint of fear. He looked so satisfyingly dumb, Kanda didn't even try to bite back a sneer as he took a sip of water.

Lenalee nodded enthusiastically, purple hued eyes getting a disturbing twinkle to it. "They stalk you and know everything from your favorite color to if your a virgin or not. Though bets have been placed that your are a virgin." Lenalee narrowed her eyes and cast the white-haired boy a look of intense scrutiny. "Are you?"

Allen colored and coughed, looking away, but his 'looking away' immediately set his eyes on Kanda, who was finding himself begrudgingly curious as he observed Allen from the corner of his cobalt blue eyes, so Allen swiftly decided it was safe to look at his lap as he turned scarlet.

Suddenly, Lenalee gasped and pointed at him, eyes wide and mouth a perfect round 'O'. "Oh, my, God. You aren't a virgin, are you."

It wasn't a question.

Allen started coughing and hacking away like he was slowly dying a wheezy death as Kanda and Lavi's jaw hit the floor, Chaoji too caught up in his stopped up nose that clogged his ears ("Um, guys...I have a bit of a problem.").

"How many?" Kanda demanded, and instantly cursed himself to hell because he knew he was going to be teased mercilessly by the Usagi for asking. However, the Usagi was too shocked and distracted to actually pay attention to Kanda's question.

"None of your business," Allen snapped, face burning, his eyes darting nervously from side to side.

Lenalee gasped, then squealed in excitement, like she couldn't believe it, which was totally understandable because who the hell though innocent little Allen Walker not be...well, innocent? "THAT MANY?!"

"Shit, what is she? Psychic?" Kanda growled, frowning. "The hell? What do you mean, 'that many'?"

Allen's complexion now turned pale as he gulped and stared in slowly mounting horror at the waaaay to happy Lenalee Lee. "Um..." he began weakly.

"It's a women's intuition," replied Lenalee sweetly. She turned back to Allen, beaming. "Men or women?"

"Wait, we're talking about the _plural _now," said Kanda, head swinging back and forth between the rapidly paling fifteen year-old and the glowing Chinese girl. Lavi was still too stunned to speak or move, and Chaoji STILL couldn't hear. Running off to grab a plunger, anyone would have said it wouldn't help the situation, if anyone had been paying attention to notice.

Ducking his head, Allen swallowed once, twice, and whispered something.

Lenalee nodded, smirking now. "Thought so," she said triumphantly.

Kanda had about had enough. This curiosity was eating him alive, and frankly, Lenalee's sudden mind-reading prowess was freaking him out (not that he'd ever admit it, of course). He slammed his hands down on either side of his serving of Soba, long forgotten and cold, as he stood up halfway and glared. "Thought so, what?" He seethed.

"Thought so that he HAS fu- uh, had intercourse with both genders."

Silence.

Utter. Silence.

The Lavi broke it when he came out of his chance my snorting with laughter. "Haha," he cackled, winking (blinking?) at Kanda with his one green eye. "Well, Yuu...looks like you've still got a chance."

And that's when all hell broke loose.

Not the hell one would expect with Kanda drawing Mugen and leaping over the table, screaming a battle cry while chopping Lavi into little pieces, which would then lead to Kanda having to explain to Komui why they were one future Bookman and exorcist short (Planned Excuse:"He tried to feel up Lenalee.") No, the hell that broke out came from the ceiling...

...in a form of glittery pink and silver stardust. The whole bag dumped on Kanda's head, while the rest simply sprayed Lenalee and Lavi (Allen had already dived underneath the table before Mount Kanda could erupt), and a pink beret fell afterwards, landing with a muffled, neat plop on Lenalee's head.

Which could only mean one thing.

Lenalee, Lavi, and Kanda looked up just in time to see a horrified Johnny shrinking fearfully behind the nearest pillar one story up. It seems he had been trying to deliver the stuff to storage when the weight knocked him over, therefore it went over the railing, caught on the iron, ripped, and eventually landed on Kanda and the rest. And anything any scientist carrying was obviously some sort of evil concoction, which in turn meant that this glittery pink stuff, that was all over them (except a very grateful, very lucky Allen Walker), was obviously some sort of solid chemical or experiment.

"The glitter is evil," whispered Lavi in quiet horror, shaking. Kanda was also shaking, but for different matters.

"I'M GOING TO KILL YOU!" He bellowed, unsheathing Mugen and launching himself from his seat, sprinting full force towards the cafeteria's exit, pink glitter trailing after him. Allen thought it was kind of pretty since Kanda's hair had been down this evening, which meant the glitter sparkled and tangled in his hair. Of course, he would never tell him that for fear of death. "YOU BAKA! 27v^%^%g*&587UH!"

Lenalee, however, was totally calm. "It's okay, guys," she sighed, fixing the beret on her head rather than pulling it off. "It's just glitter."

"From the hands of a scientist," Lavi protested.

Allen crawled out on all fours from under the table (Bless you, good Table of Protection)and flipped over so he braced himself with his hands, leaning backwards comfortably. "I've got to agree with Lavi on this one, Lenalee," Allen admitted. "Anything from the hands of a scientists- even harmless little Johnny- is going to go terribly wrong. You all might have different side affects based on yourself."

Somewhere, a floor above them, came the high-pitched, shrill, terrified screams of a certain, curly haired scientist ("Ohmygod, ohmygod, ohmygod I'msosorry!")as he ran for his life from a raging Kanda ("Get back here, you little shit, so I can kill you!").

Allen, Lenalee, and Lavi sighed.

"Well, if you're that concerned, we should all go wash up," said Lenalee. "You too, Allen, just in case." The trio agreed and stood to leave. Exiting the cafeteria, Allen turned right and strode to the men's showers, whistling, but stopped when he didn't see Lavi behind him. Confused, Allen turned around and blinked when he saw Lavi following Lenalee like a lost puppy.

"Um, Lavi," he called, uncertain. "The men's showers are this way," he said, stabbing a thumb in the direction behind him.

"You know," said Lavi, sounding suddenly very emotional, as he and Lenalee stopped walking. "I really don't think they should label the bathrooms. Labels just tear us apart, man, and I wanna be as close to the female gender as possible. Let's start a revolution against labels- ouch, Lenalady! That was my foot!"

"Oh, I know," Lenalee replied, all too sweetly. "And I'm sure the other girls who are particularly fond of labels for restrooms and baths will also do the same if you follow me."

"So mean," Lavi whimpered, limping towards Allen with a very cute pout that could only be beaten by Allen's own pout. "See, Al, buddy? Haters just hate."

"I love haters," Allen grinned.

…

…

…

Kanda came to a stop, wheezing and panting, as he leaned against the wall for support. Pink glitter continued to sparkle underneath the fluorescent lights. Kanda prided himself in his abilities to beat the crap out of the Moyashi, live on nothing but soba, beat Moyashi, his skill with Mugen, his athletic abilities, and beating. The shit. Out of. Moyashi.

Beating up Moyashi was #1, but his athletic abilities was close enough to not be considered #2.

But seriously...did they secretly have training for the scientists, because the little fucker had been dodging him for the last ten to twenty minutes, and had yet to slow down or even stop. Now, winded in a lone corridor that looked identical to all the other stupid halls in the Order, the fucker not in sight, Kanda stood there with his sword in hand, trying to regain precious oxygen and figure out what to do next.

The first thing he needed to do was shower, and get this glittery pink shit off of him, before heading to the training grounds to cool off. Who knew, maybe he would run into the curly-haired kid-scientist on the way there.

However, as clearly stated above in the list of things Kanda prided himself about, was kicking/beating/slapping the living _fuck _out of a certain Allen shitting Walker. It would let off some steam, give him a good work out (the little shit was fast, too, he had to admit), and leave him smiling (you would have to look at it with special binoculars to see the slightest twitch to the corner of his mouth as he calmly {gleefully} tossed and punched Allen around like a rag doll).

Yes. He would do that first.

So Kanda shoved himself off the wall and went back down the corridor in a wave of pink glitter and sparkles like some sort of gender confused god/goddess of Anger Management Issues.

But, of course, no one would _dare_ tell him that.

...

...

...

After Lenalee washed up and went back to her room, she found herself fingering and staring at the pink beret in her hands. Why, or how, it fell from the floor above them was uncanny and mindboggling, but it was definitely her brother's. Then she turned it over and wrinkled her nose as she realized Johnny had been probably ordered to take it to the wash as well as put the glitter in storage, since the inside was stained an unhealthy, unappealing brown, the faint smell of stale coffee wafting to her.

The surface of her skin tingled like the lightest feeling of 'pins-and-needles', a small ripple, one she could ignored.

She ran her finger around the rim of the pink beret, squinting at it in sudden fascination because in her eyes, it was practically sparkling. The coffee stains seems suddenly much grosser, the smell or stale coffee becoming sour and nearly made her wretch. Keeping the beret still in her lap, she bent double, chin pointed down to the cap, going cross-eyed as she looked down at the suddenly vibrant, beautiful pink color practically glowed in her eyes. If anyone were in the room with her and observing her reactions, they would have probably been slowly inching towards the door because the odd, slightly drunk, look on her face as she peered down at the pink beret with an unhealthy amount of attention (obsession), eyes squinty, mouth a perfectly shaped, small 'O'.

The 'pins-and-needles' feeling was back, but much stronger this time, and just looking at the _gorgeous- beautiful- flawless_ pink beret, made the feeling that much stronger, as well as giving her such a light, giddy sensation from the pit of her tummy, making her feel as if she were about to start floating towards the ceiling, belly up, smile on her face, and her toes curled.

She slowly straightened and placed the pink beret with a small 'plop!' on her head, beaming from ear to ear as the same sensation coursed through her body. Getting up, she practically floated towards her door, opened it, and continued down the hall, straight for her brother's office on the Science Department floor.

The smell of fresh bananas assaulted her nose, and suddenly, an epiphany struck her;

Surely all people liked banana pudding, right? She could make the perfect banana pudding!

With..._chemicals._

_Oooooh, aaaaahh._

_..._

_..._

_..._

Lavi wasn't one who usually panicked when something weird was happening. In fact, he was the one who kept his cool as crazy stuff was going on, while everyone was running around like chickens with no heads.

But when he reached up to touch his itching ear with one hand while the other, thoroughly lathered in lavender smelling soap, cleaned his armpit, he kind of lost his cool when he discovered it was_ long_, and _furry_.

His scream echoed in the bathroom like a girl's out of a horror movie.

...

...

...

Allen swore and winced when a piercing scream ripped though the steamy air and just about made his ears bleed.

And he was _sure _this was the men's washroom...

Dropping his shirt and wiping his hands nervously on his brown pants, he hesitantly edged towards the smooth, white-tiled bath where the scream came from, eyes narrowed for any sigh of...um, something not manly that made that shrill noise.

Closer, closer, clo-

"Oi! Moyashi!"

Allen froze, then whirled around, spotting Kanda at the door, a few streaks of pink sparkles still remaining in his loose hair, hands on his hips, looking sassy (not that he would tell the Japanese man such a thing unless he wanted a death wish), as he scowled darkly at the white-haired boy. "Get the fuck over here, I need something to pummel before heading to the showers."

Allen immediately forgot all about the strange scream he heard in the baths and grabbed his shirt, slipping it on, but not buttoning it up. "You're on, Bakanda," he sneered, but felt a leap of excitement as he raced out of the bathroom after Kanda, who had left the moment he saw Allen agreeing.

"But just so you know," continued Allen cheerfully, jogging to catch up with a stoic Kanda, grinning widely. "I'm going to be the one to kick your sorry ass across the training room."

"Tch," Kanda scoffed, incredulous and insulted that the Baka Moyashi actually _thought _he had even the _slightest _of chances against him. He guessed he just had to pound it into him. Maybe rub his nose in the dirt while twisting his arm behind his back. Yeah...that would feel good.

"Like hell, Baka."

Allen laughed, the idiot, and Kanda snorted, but couldn't help but notice how clear, and bell-like his laughter was...it was actually, kind of ni-

No. Nope. He wasn't going there.

Shaking his head to clear his suddenly muddled thoughts, he didn't hear Allen call out to him until the Moyashi had the nerve to step in fornt of him, ducking to avoid the startled fist of one irate Kanda Yuu.

"The hell, Moyashi," he snarled, trying not to look into his eyes, because for some strange reason the silver reminded him of the moon, and how pure and beautiful it was, and how he used to stare out his small window wistfully, thinking it signified freedom and mystery and purity when he first came to the Black Order. He shook his head again, seeing...sparkles?- start to cloud his vision, even if briefly. WTF? "_Move,"_ he growled, still trying to ignore the sparkles crowding the edge of his sight, especially when he looked directly at the Moyashi, so he opted to glare down at his black combat boots instead. Hmm, they need to be polished...not that they would last long, so why did it matter?

"I _said," _Allen stressed, brows furrowed as he stared hard at the Japanese man, struggling to catch his eye. "Have you washed out the sparkles from your hair, because it doesn't look like you've done."

"Great deduction, Sherlock," Kanda shot back with the utmost snark, brushing past Allen, and ignoring the little electric spark that jumped between them. "No, I haven't, and I think it was bogus anyways. Nothing weird has happened, to me, Lenalee, or the Usagi, so I suggest you shut up so we can go ahead and spar."

Allen raised an eyebrow but said nothing, instead quickening his pace so he soon was walking beside Kanda, matching his stride step by step. "If you're sure," he said reluctantly, finally letting the subject drop, but then his expression turned sly, as he gave the older exorcist a smirk. "Aww, what? Are you in that much of a hurry to get your ass beaten by me?"

Kanda's thoughts went straight to all the sexual implications Allen _could_ have made instead of saying that, but he flushed and quickly pushed them away. What the hell was wrong with him? He felt too hot, all of a sudden, and his stomach flipped.

"Aww, are you in that much of a hurry to get punched by me, right here right now?" He mocked the younger one, fingers positively _itching _to tuck a stray strand of white hair behind the Moyashi's ear.

Said Moyashi chuckled, sticking his hands in the pockets of his trousers- _and when exactly did his shirt open like that so he could count his scars and perfect, soft-looking, white skin. _Kanda's mouth dried up faster than a drop of water in a desert. Oh. Fuck. "You know, I'm sure I would be _slightly _impressed if you didn't steal most of my lines."

Kanda's brain refused to work, probably because his tongue had become useless rubber, eyes refusing to tear away from Allen's smooth and flat, yet well developed abs. He wasn't bulky, or bulging, or anything of the sort, but fit and lither, like a gymnast, or a swimmer. Perfectly smooth, strong, lithe, and..._flexible. _

_Oh shit, oh shit, ohshitohshit-_

"Huh. Whatever," Kanda managed to say numbly, gripping the hilt of his sword, Mugen, tightly for some sort of sense of comfort, and familiarity. Something that was sane and grounded him, something that was _real_ in this suddenly unrealistic situation where he was fucking _ogling_ at Allen _fucking_ Walker's_ abs._

It worked.

...kind of.

He swallowed and stared- _glared_- straight ahead the rest of the way, refusing to back-petal and back out of this fight with Allen, or the internal fight. He wasn't a wimp, or a coward, and he was going to beat the object of his rapidly growing, scary affections until it was nothing but a grease stain on the floor. That, and if he backed out now, he would never hear the end of it from the Baka Moyashi. He was thinking so hard he ignored the announcement by a familiar, female voice up ahead. Allen did as well, studying Kanda's face for a reaction. But, soon enough, Kanda made a decision.

One way or another, it was resolved, solution thought through and done. He was going to wipe the floor with Allen Walker's ugly- _not_ pretty, _at all_- face.

...

Wow. Walker's collar bone looked sexy.

...

_Fuck._

...

...

...

Lenalee wasted now time in flinging open the doors of her brother's office with a disturbingly happy look on her face, eyes gleaming like her older sibling's did when he had a power drill in hand, about to _destroy_, **_annihilate_**, anything that threatened his precious baby sister's innocence. She wore a long, white lab coat, pockets bulging with something deadly and so _evil, _her pink beret that she adored and worshiped perched on her head, a warm, comfortable weight on her skull. Her long, green hair was down, and a pair of rectangular glasses sat on her small, cute nose.

Said brother, Komui, glanced up in a mixture of surprise and delight.

Lenalee really loved her brother, she really did...but he might get in the way of her experiments. So, she decided, right then and there, that she would need to turn him into a caterpillar.

And the Exorcists could turn into cats.

The scientists birds.

And the Finders mice.

Perfect! Then no one could stand in her way!

She cackled.

And suddenly Komui looked...scared.

She grabbed the microphone wired throughout the whole Order, flipped the switch to 'on', and spoke sweetly, "Alright everyone...I want you all to gather in the cafeteria, Exorcists near the back, Finders near the doors, and scientists in the middle."

Komui spluttered and tried to take the mic from her, but she simply leaped away with a sort of deranged giggle, eyes wide and wild.

"Oh, no, no, _no, _Big Brother," she giggled, leaning away, holding the mic teasingly over her head. "I absolutely _cannot _let you get in the way of my plans! And that's why-" she pulled a vial with neon red **(A/N: Honest to God, I have NEVER seen the color neon red before...) **liquid, and popped open the cork, a soft hiss escaping along with baby pink bubbles and the smell of apples and bunny poop **(A/N: Don't know what bunny poop smells like either...thank the Lord...)** filled the air- "Soooo," she continued cutely, scrunching her tiny nose. "I have to turn you into a caterpillar."

Komui wasn't sure if he should be proud of his little sister for coming up with such a brilliant, yet adorable plan, or to be terrified.

And although the first option was tempting...

...He chose the second option.

...

...

...

Lavi looked up at the sink - _when the freak had it become so tall?!- _and contemplated simply jumping, or searching the empty washroom for a stool.

It would have been easier if he had Allen here, but the little cutey decided to forget about Lavi and run off to who knows where.

Lavi sighed, and hopped off to look for a stool. He had heard the booming, female voice from the speakers about a meeting in the cafeteria in a few minutes, but he didn't want to do anything until he could see his...face. If he had one.

After a few minutes of aimless, desperate searching, Lavi decided that, since he was already labeled the idiot (at least by Yuu's standards, 'cause he was freaking brilliant AND a Bookman), to simply make a fool out of himself and try to jump to see his face in the still slightly foggy mirror. With a huff, he bounded back to the white-washed sink. He stared up at it for a moment longer, before narrowing his one green eye in concentration, wiggling his butt, and leaping high and swift-

He banged his head in the edge of the sink and fell back to the ground in a pathetic, slumped heap.

And promptly passed out.

...

...

...

Johnny didn't know what was going on, but since he was positive this day couldn't get any crazier (with Kanda running after him while swinging that deadly katana of his, cussing in Japanese, and spilling the HIGHLY DANGEROUS, VERY REACTIVE TO IDFFERENT PEOPLE pink, glittery chemicals). So, without further due, he headed to the cafeteria, on the look out for homicidal, sword wielding Exorcists.

He entered the cafeteria, looking around for his friend Tapp, feeling only slightly disappointed when he didn't see him. _He must be coming later...he's been working with Reever on anew golem prototype for a while,_ he thought, walking over to join the other scientists. He cast a glance at the exorcists' side of the cafeteria, but didn't spot Miranda, Marie, Allen, Lavi, Lenalee, or Kanda. Strange, since the last four were the most diligent and powerful of all exorcists, Allen and Kanda almost to the level of being Generals.

He should have been paying attention to where he was going though, because he promptly bumped into Miranda and Marie.

"Oh my," Miranda gasped, immediately backing up. "I- I'm so sorry, I just didn't see you there, clumsy me-!" Johnny watched helplessly as she began working her way into hysterics, the poor, nervous girl, but when Marie put his large, calloused hand on her thin shoulder, the female exorcist, usually a nervous wreck, began to calm.

"Mistakes happen, Miranda," he said soothingly in that, low, deep bass voice of his, that seemed to sink in your bones and send a cool calmness over you like a soft blanket.

"Y-yes, yes...of course. Sorry," said Miranda, flushing at the warm contact. Marie smiled, nodded to Johnny, and continued on their way, until Johnny quickly remembered something and tried to call them back.

"H-Hey! Wait!" He waved a hand at them and the taller pair turned to look at him curiously. "Uh, do you know why, and who, the person called us all in the cafeteria for. It wasn't Komui, for sure, and I feel...suspicious, to say the least, when dividing us into groups. And I could have sworn I recognized the voice, too..."

"It was Lenalee." Marie said. "She's probably coming to make an announcement or throw a party. I don't exactly know, but it's bound to be interesting."

"And Lenalee doesn't do something without a reason," Miranda piped up, smiling shyly. "I'm sure it's fine."

But even as the two older exorcists said that and walked away, shoulders brushing lightly every now and then, Johnny couldn't help but feel uneasy, even when Tapp and Reever came into the cafeteria and waved him over, both grinning. As Tapp chattered in Johnny's ear excitedly about the latest developments of the new golem, Johnny couldn't help but wonder if the pink, glittery chemicals had something to do with it. They had to do _something, _since Komui ordered it to be put away in storage, and not to burn it, but Kanda hadn't been affected, and even so, they probably managed to wash it off in time before real damage was done. The pink stuff might not have even been that dangerous, or reactive. Maybe an outburst of pimples and freckles, but that was probably it.

Definitely nothing to worry about.

...

...

...

This was definitely something to worry about, was the first thought that came to Allen when he could have _sworn _Kanda let his gaze linger on his chest and butt for a little _too _long.

Not that he was complaining, but when Kanda Yuu wasn't acting like Kanda Yuu, he suspected foul play.

His gray eyes darted to the few remaining glitter in the older man's hair, dodging a punch and flipping backwards when the elder attempted a low spin kick, before circling each other, gaze returning to the pink. From last he had seen or heard of Lenalee, she had just been fine, and so was Lavi. Both friends had been their normal, cheerful selves, even if it seemed that it had taken longer for Lavi to wash the pink stuff clinging to his hair. Speaking of hair, he was surprised that Kanda hadn't went straight to the showers to rinse off his prized mane of silk. Were the chemicals finally kicking in, or was it just a coincidence?

He feigned a right hook and brought his left knee to Kanda's stomach, which the elder caught and, holding the still raised knee down, swung a well executed left side kick, which Allen had just barely managed to block before they broke away again, circling, then darting in a few moments later. Allen sent a rapid combination with his right leg of low kick and high kick, both easily blocked, the last one caught and twisted, so Allen had to twist with it to avoid being snapped. He braced himself for the impact of an elbow to his spine, but when there was the slightest pause of hesitancy (Kanda fucking Yuu NEVER hesitated), he dropped to his left knee, jerking his right leg from the samurai's grip and letting it fly back out, slamming into the X block in front of the chest of one flustered Kanda Yuu.

Coughing, the Japanese man staggered backwards, only to slide back into horse stance as Allen flipped to his back and leaped up with only the strength in his arms after leaning back on his palms, scrunching his body slightly, and then exploding outwards in a swift uncoil, landing on his feet with the perfect balance. Allen watched Kanda watch Allen as a bead of salty sweat drip steadily down the younger boy's curve of his pale jaw and down his (flawless) throat, disappearing into the unbuttoned, wrinkled folds of Allen's shirt.

Allen wasn't sure whether to feel uncomfortable or turned on.

It was honestly a battle, so he decided to pretend to not notice, even though it slightly worried him that Kanda was acting weird and...more attentive to Allen's body then was normal. Because, let's be honest, Kanda never looked at him that way. Or anyone.

_EVER._

Damn asexual bastard...

So when Kanda, for the forty-second time, raked his dark blue eyes briefly over Allen's sweaty body, Allen had to stop and catch a punch, locking serious eyes with Kanda's surprised ones, and slowly lower the fist. "Are you okay, Kanda?" He asked. "Because I'm getting a bit concerned when you..." He faltered, swallowed when Kanda pulled back and raised a brow, "When you're...you, you're...l-loo..king..." He continued to falter feebly, voice weak and airy, as he still tried to lick his lips and swallow. Kanda's eyebrows were almost invisible behind his bangs, now.

He tried again. "Look..ing, um, a-at...uh, myyyy..." He drawled it out and eventually Kanda rolled his eyes and turned his back on the Moyashi, tugging his black tank top off, which was now littered with pink glitter and sweat.

"Tch, Baka Moyashi," the older man grumbled, finally pulling off the dark cloth with a grunt and throwing it near his towel. He heard a strangled, half-gasp, half-choking noise behind him, but ignored it, striding away to the mats to meditate. "If you can't speak properly, then you can't spar properly. Go stuff your face or something, Moyashi."

"K-K-Kanda..."

Kanda rolled his eyes with a snarl and spun around to shoot a furious glare at the white-haired boy who was pale faced and trembling. _"What?"_

"Um...K-Kanda...either I am going crazy, or you have pink, glittery wings."

Silence.

And then, a sneer, "Do you WANT to die?" He scoffed. "Don't be stupid, Moyashi," he said, craning his neck to look over his shoulder. "You're obviously cr-"

He stopped.

His eyes widened.

And then...

"**OH MY GOD, I'M GOING TO FUCKING KILL THAT SON OF A BITCH!"**

Kanda Yuu, was on a rampage.

...

Not good.

...

...

...

Lavi woke to yelling and cursing, echoing through the halls, and blinked. Jesus, did he run into something, 'cause his head felt like it had just sprouted a freaking ostrich egg.

Then he looked up at the edge of the now-dented sink, and made a noise of frustration. Oh, riiiight. Noooow he remembered.

He slowly got up, wobbled a bit, and decided it was safer not to try again and look in the mirror. That, and the yelling and cussing was starting to make him concerned. He left the bathroom, hobbling out carefully, hoping his vision didn't double. He made it to the hallway safely, looked around, and sighed. Well, it looked like nothing would be hurting him here-

-a foot came out of nowhere and slammed into his soft, furry stomach, punting him ten feet away and he landed on the floor, skidding a few more feet before coming to a rest.

And passing out.

_Again._

_..._

_..._

_..._

Allen stopped running after a furious Kanda, to find a sobered- _guilty?- _Kanda standing over a small, brown, fuzzy lump in the middle of the hallway. Was that a...?

"It's a bunny," said Kanda, not looking away from the limp bundle. "I fucking kicked a bunny rabbit."

Allen's eyes widened and he hedged closer, blinking down at the brown creature in surprise. "Wow, it _is _a rabbit," he muttered, ignoring Kanda's 'Isn't that that I just said, idiot?' as he knelt carefully to inspect it more closely.

And then-

"Kanda," he deadpanned, looking up. "You killed a bunny."

"I. Know." Kanda ground out, torn between wanting to not care, cuss, knock it out of the way, and wanting to apologize. He decided to do neither, since when he mulled over it a second time, neither options were exactly appealing.

"And...I think it was Lavi's secret pet," said Allen abruptly, pointing at the too-big eye-patch, and drooping green bandana. "He must have snuck it in here recently," he theorized, taking on a sad little frown (Kanda forced himself not to lick his lips as he eyed Allen's softer, fuller, pinker ones...pouting, adorable...geez, he just wanted to lean in and- NO! Fucking scientists, he'd kill them all, the idiots!)

"What are you going to tell Lavi, Kanda?" Allen asked the Japanese male, oblivious to Kanda's inner grappling as he picked up the limp rabbit and held it out at arm's length in front of him.

Kanda snapped out of his daze, refusing to acknowledge the silvery-white glow surrounding Allen's slender form as he glared at the rabbit and snapped, "Why me?! You're the one who's better at breaking the news of dead pet animals and stuff...remember when- crap, what was her name?- oh, right , that Miranda girl? _You_ were the one who told her that her baby sparrow died from sickness. That ended well."

"Oh, yeah, sure," Allen said sarcastically, shooting Kanda a sneer. "Her busting into tears and trying to drown herself in a bowl of chicken-noodle soup was the best reaction _ever."_

Kanda shrugged and looked at the floor, shifting from foot to foot uneasily, pink wings all a-flutter. "I never said it was the _best,"_ he began to grumble, peering up from his bangs, then froze and blinked when the 'dead' rabbit groaned and stirred.

"Man," it suddenly whined, Allen's head snapping back around so fast he got whiplash, eyes huge, as the rabbit cracked open its one eye and looked around blearily. "How many times do I have to get knocked out before it's finally over?" Then it spotted Kanda and it grinned, before its small jaw quickly dropped in shock. "Wow, Yuu! You've got wings! Hehe...I BELIEVE I CAN FLYYY!"

It turned to Allen, grinning. "Soooo...wassup?"

Allen shrieked, dropped the bunny, and, with his foot, began playing the game 'Whack-A-Bunny'.

...

...

...

Komui realized a little too late that he should have never shown his little sister the animal transformation experiments in the Science Division, because turning into a fat, purple caterpillar trapped in a glass jar with holes puncture through the bottle cap, wasn't exactly the best way to spend the day away, watching as Lenalee pranced around joyfully, gathering chemicals here and there to make her ingenious banana pudding.

That, and the whole Black Order residence was probably pissed at him for showing his animal experiments too, since they now _were_ animals, fluttering/scuttling/trotting around the cafeteria, which was now on lock down. Even Jerry had been turned into a mouse!

Though he had to admit, it was a brilliant idea to lock them down inside and send the three different gases to three different locations, each leading from the Science Department to the vents in the cafeteria, said vents over the heads of the scientists, exorcists, and Finders. He couldn't squish the swell of pride bubbling up in his chest as she scurried around the room and the Division with scary (very, very scary) determination. But still, having the whole Black Order royally pissed at him for being so careless was enough to crush the pride in his teeny tiny chest, even if only for a little while.

Komui tried to plead with his sister again as she skipped across the paper-covered floor towards his desk. "Lenalee, please, think," Komui said, nearly weeping when said female exorcist found his secret cabinet under the desk and ripped it open with a delusional, child-like joy that scared the _crap _out of him. "You might hurt yourself, darling! At least let me help you!"

But Lenalee just giggled and shook her head so violently, she probably lost a little over twenty brain cells as she placed a glass flask on the desk, grin wide and insane. "You shouldn't lie, brother," she cooed, stretching forward to look closer at her caterpillar of-a-brother. "It makes your hair turn gray," she finished seriously.

Lenalee then turned away and ignored him as she searched the room for more chemicals. Komui wondered who would be forced to taste it to see if the banana pudding was perfect.

He paused.

Looked around.

Gulped.

_Oh. _

_Just. Little. Ol'. Komui._

_..._

_..._

_..._

While Kanda was tempted to join Allen in his quest to succeed at 'Whack-A-Bunny', he decided, in a small bout of mercy, to pull Allen off of the rabbit to get some answers.

He waited about three more minutes before doing so.

He noted the scarlet flush and odd brightness to Allen's cheeks and eyes when he dragged the boy off the wheezing, wilted rabbit on the ground. His pale chest was heaving, and Kanda rolled his eyes, knowing a panic attack coming on without even having to see it.

"Fucking breathe, fucking Moyashi," he snapped. For extra caution, he pulled Allen farther away and left him to lean heavily against a pillar, clutching his chest and trying to breath normally as Kanda approached the rabbit, already knowing who it was. He nudged it with his toe mercilessly, having gotten over the trauma of nearly killing the rabbit a few minutes ago. "Get up, Baka Usagi," he growled, poking the rabbit harder with the tip of his boot. "I fucking _know _it's you, dammit, Lavi, how the fuck did you turn into a _real _Usagi?"

It took a few moments for Lavi to regain his breath, and even longer to roll over and settle back on his haunches, looking up at Kanda with a single big eye. "I think it was the glitter," he said. "I _told _you it was evil."

"Yeah, yeah," Kanda huffed, unconsciously shifting to further hide the sparkly, insect-like wings on his back. _They would pay..._ Because, really, it was a HUGE, GIGANTIC blow to his pride and his masculinity. "I know. Whatever. We're going _straight_ to Komui to get this fixed, and we're not going to leave his office until he finds us all a cure."

Having gotten proper control over himself, Allen blinked and shoved off the pillar, walking over slowly. "_All?" _He said. "What do you mean _all?"_

Kanda scoffed out a "Tch," and looked away pointedly. "Think about it," he growled, folding his arms and letting his fingers dig into his biceps. "Lenalee was hit with that sparkly shit too, so who _knows _what's happened to her. And, fuck Moyashi, you keep on distracting me with you glowing and...uh, actually...um, really, pretty...Jesus Christ, you're fucking annoying!"

Allen stared. "Um, but I wasn't hit by the pink stuff."

"Then why are you glowing and pretty?!" Kanda spat back, nails now leaving red crescent indents in his skin as he glowered at the younger boy, eyes smoldering.

Lavi chuckled, leaning up on the balls of his long, fuzzy feet and he smiled (how the heck do bunny-rabbits _smile?_). "I think that it's one of the side affects of the chemicals that _you_ have, Yuu," he announced, excitedly. "Like one of the side affects I have is...well," he looked down at himself. "Not having red fur when my hair is _obviously _red hot, you know." He laughed again.

Kanda shook his head _hard_, black hair, having slipped out of his pony-tail during sparring, fluttering around him. "NO, it's just him," he snarled, jerking his thumb roughly in Allen's general direction. "Can't you see it, too...? Or are you fucking _blind?"_

"No, Yuu," said the Usagi. "It's _you."_

"Shut- sh-shut the fuck up," Kanda spluttered, face blushing bright red as he snatched up the Usagi and began to throttle him like it was the last thing on earth he could do before his head exploded from how red he was getting. "Don't fucking LIE, to me!"

Allen's eyes went as wide as saucers and he launched himself forward, wrenching Lavi out of Kanda's killer grip and hugging the startled rabbit to his chest like it was a fucking teddy bear. Kanda swallowed down the irrational jealously bubbling up from the pit of his stomach to his chest and grit his teeth. "Let's just...fucking go already," he said, heaving out a breath as he shot daggers at the calming Usagi.

"Well, you heard the guy," said Lavi cheerfully, voice cracking from all the damage it had gone through today. "Let's go to Komui and settle this."

Allen sighed, nodding in agreement as he let Lavi rest his bunny-chin on his shoulder and walked down the hall, the footsteps of Kanda following after him quietly.

After a few minutes of calm and almost serene silence, Lavi daringly caressed the back of Allen's neck in front of Kanda and whispered in a sing-song voice, "Kanda's staring at Allen's booo-tyyyy."

Kanda lost it, unsheathed Mugen, and chased after an already terrified Allen Walker all the way to Komui's office.

...

...

...

Komui forced himself not to weep in relief when Lenalee _finally_ unscrewed the lid to his glass prison and pulled him out by his back end...

...then wept in horror when she dangled him teasingly over a small vat of banana pudding.

He sniffled good-bye to this cruel world as she lifted her hand to dunk him in.

**...**

**...**

**...**

**(A/N: This is NOT diary entry)**

**...in the end, Komui was eventually saved by Fairy Kanda bursting in, hot on the heels of Allen Walker, and when Allen ducked to avoid an angry, and possibly fatal, swing from Kanda's beloved Mugen, the Japanese man went flying over the younger boy's head and fell face first into the vat of banana pudding, reducing Lenalee into tears that 'a nasty boy with cooties and long hair had ruined her sweet, lovely banana pudding', and at the same time, knocking Komui out of the way., sending the little, wriggling caterpillar into one of the antidotes to go back from insect to human. **

**As Kanda struggled to lift his head from the banana pudding, Allen and Lavi held Lenalee down and Komui managed to give her an antidote as well, reverting her back to her normal self, before giving the same to Lavi. They then hurried to pull Kanda out of the banana pudding before he suffocated from rage and the pudding, and forced it down his throat too. Later, they dispensed a different antidote to the residence of the cafeteria, who were, thankfully, more forgiving to Johnny and Komui than either had originally thought, and soon, everything was back to normal...**

**...**

**Is...is Kanda eyeing Allen's butt...?**

**...**

**Nah.**

**(Kanda eyed Allen's tooshie a little more)**

_..._

**_Review! Reviews make the world go round!_**

**_-Z_**

_Coming up, a teaser for the next chapter:_

_"Oh, this is fucking perfect...therapy lessons for so called 'bonding exercises' with the Baka Moyashi."_

_"Ooh, sounds kinky."_


End file.
